What a jumble!

I am eight months from losing the “college kid” tag and the fear of stepping into the a monotonous, professional routine dawns upon me.

I am eight months from being seperated from the very few beautiful people I have met along this rough road which is life.

However, I am eight months from returning to my family after this long, torturous exile in a new city amongst people who never quite understood me yet were always too quick to form an opinion.

Eight months till I am in a boat, rowing away from such people and towards the mental peace, happiness and warmth I crave today.

Hah, life! What a jumble!

Advertisements

Simplicity

 

In response to Ragtag’s Daily Prompt: Simplicity

IMG_20190722_220216_700

Twelve thousand feet above the rest,

The temple for my soul was right there.

Away from the hustle bustle of my metro home,

Skies full of puffy white clouds,

Yet skies that were crystal clear.

 

Broken

Congratulations, for you’re in love with me!
Or
Alas, for you’re in love with me.

Should I say congratulations?
Because you have finally submerged your feet in an ocean that is capable of flooding you with affection, care and attention.
Yes, I want to forever capture your silly, adorable moments (and your endless beard fidgeting) in my photo library.I want to keep admiring your witty sense of humor while guffawing at your jokes.I want to continue adoring your giggles and chuckles at the sight of what you and the millenials call “dank memes”.I want to keep being mesmerised by your thoughts.And oh, I want to forever have your arms wrapped around me as we sleep because I know, I have not slept better in years.

I want to keep falling for you.

 

But then, should I say Alas?
Because I’m broken.
I need assurance.
I need attention.
I need you.

I need you, to tell me you need me to stay.
Tell me it would hurt to watch me go.
Say something,
Or just stop and adore me too.

Tell me you will not leave because the grass is greener on the other side, or because…it’s easier to be without me than to be with me.
Say something,
Or just scroll through my pictures too.
Come on,
All I need is you.
All I need is attention.
All I need is assurance.
Because, I’m broken.

Save me.

You conspired with the world,

To drive a stake through my beating heart.

Drop by drop now, it bleeds on the floor,

Thank you, you tore me apart.

 

Now as I stumble amidst this crowd, 

I wonder where I will go from here.

Where do they mend broken dreams?

Oh, can someone take me there? 

 

Save me, I wish to breathe again,

I want to begin again without your lies.

I want to throw my head back and laugh,

Someone, please keep me from this miserable demise.

 

Save me. 

 

Love isn’t.

Love isn’t the roses, the chocolates and the gifts.Love isn’t the brief locking of eyes, neither is it texts that you send me in the middle of the night. It isn’t the wrapping of my arms around your neck, or my legs around your waist. It isn’t the intertwining of our lips, neither is it in the movement of my hips. It is not in the moans or heavy breaths.Love isn’t talking about the weather, after sex.

But love is the racing of your heart at my sight.It is your fixed gaze when I’m looking away.It is your ignorance towards the dark stain on your favourite bedsheet identical to the one on my panties. Love is your sleepless night that my frown earns. Love is allowing your walls to crash at my finger’s touch.Love is the rain that pours on your heart when I blush and love is…not me, not you, but us.

24.

When I saw him, I was the protagonist from the Emily Brontë novel, breathtaken by ‘his looks, and all his actions and him entirely and all together’. As I stared at him, unable to blink, or breathe, or let my heart beat, it was clear to me, that the center of the world was not a place, but a person.

The concept of time faded from my memory. Time for me, like moist sand in an hourglass, had frozen.

However, for everyone and everything else, the cursed thing continued moving.

I had been granted twenty four hours to live all the moments I had lost to eleven thousand kilometers of distance. Twenty four hours to laugh, giggle, blush. Twenty four hours to create memories to help me survive the uncertain future that lay in store for us.

Just those twenty four hours.

Five

Tonight, I tell my 2AM friends,

A tale I wish never comes to an end.

About a connection I wish never bends,

A style never losing trend.

 

They hear me pray,

I’ll conquer tonight with love in my eyes

Tonight’s high note, A Hope, I say.

Tonight, beats faster this silly heart,

Five days until we are no longer apart.

Tonight, I dream of us with open eyes,

Drowning in each other under the starry skies.

 

I time travel five days tonight, to a night,

When you passionately clutch, I blush.

Tonight, to a night,

When I am in your arms,

Falling further in love with your every touch.

Expectations

Forgive me father, for I have sinned,

For a second or two, I went with the wind.

Thinking that you were proud of me.

But now there’s an otherwise, now I want to flee.

Free from the shame, away from the guilt,

Of discontinuing to be the ‘perfect child’ you built.

With bricks of love, support and care.

I’m sorry for filling you with despair.

However, my apologies are in vain.

Because you compare, time and again.

You look away, you fail to see.

You shut your ears to my plea.

You do not wish to hear,

The problems I face, the pain I bear.

When despite my hard work, I always fall.

When life stops taking my side at all.

Now here I am, amidst this storm,

of expectations to follow the ‘scholar’ norm.

Tell me, can your ‘scholars’ do this,

Use words as bullets and never miss?

Bedroom

I could not hold the feeling of my heart breaking any longer.

As soon as the door was slammed shut, in a disheveled heap, I collapsed to the floor. Despair coursed through my blood and pain escaped my eyes as a stream of tears.
The lack of intimacy in this bedroom of ours was significant.The only thing that remained, was the torturous silence and the smell of his Perfume that was still stuck in the air, acting as a continuous reminder of him and also of the various times I had sprayed it on my pillow, then held the pillow to my heart aching in his absence.
It brought back to me all those mornings- when we lay beneath the sheets on the queen sized mattress with his head buried in my neck and my fingers in his dark, messy hair- wondering when we both would have the courage to leave the company of the bed and of one another and begin our day.

That fragrance of Burberry reminded me of the nights when we would be intoxicated not on alcohol, but each other and make love till it was night no longer.

 

A wailing mess, I sat there, as time stood still and I waited until that fragrant mist disappeared into nothingness and took with it all my memories of him.

My Love 

“Come to bed, my love”  

With the shards of my broken heart in my palm, I silently climbed into the bed and turned the lights off before he saw my heart bleed onto the mattress. 
As I lay in the pool of pain, I wondered if I could call it our bed any longer. I wondered if he had called her ‘my love’ as well. I wondered if he loved her. 

Today, five years after our union, I wondered if he had ever loved me.
“Do you love me?” 

The words left my mouth before I realised. There was nervous silence in the air before he countered my question with another question.

“Do you feel I don’t?” 
My mind was an empty courtroom for a second, before the audience walked in and started in my mind a proceeding, Prosecution against the Defence and I was on the Judge on a Throne of Thorns.

One side pressed on the other, compelling me take a decision in its favour, cuff the culprit and tell him I knew that I wasn’t the only one who had fulfilled his fantasies.

Meanwhile, the Defence talked of mistakes and about forgiveness being the way to a clean soul. It talked about my children, having to grow up without the shadow of a father above their heads. 

“Honey? Tell me what you’re thinking” His voice bought me out of the courtroom, back to the cold bed.

The Judgement had to be passed here, and now.

Calmly, I replied.

“I was just thinking about your friend Sreyasi and also, about getting a divorce, my love”