Journey

Everyday is a journey towards your memories.

I travel to you, every day -with messy hair, sleep in my eyes and a voice that knows nothing- but your name.

The sound of your name.It’s soothing. It makes my eyes heavy.With my head against the cold glass door of the Delhi Metro, I wish to slowly drift into a beautiful state of slumber.

But no.I keep myself awake.

I cannot risk dreaming of all the shattered wishes, about you, about me and about us.

The idea of moving into a temporary world where we lie under the stars-content and joyous- in each other’s arms, it scares me.

I cannot risk building a tower of love and promises with you in the bubble of dreams again.They burst on the rough grounds of reality and with them, they take away the leftovers of my soul.

So like every day, I will travel to you again but with my eyes wide open and the doors to my heart, closed.

And like every day, when the clock strikes six, i will leave your memories behind and go back to face the world, without you.

 

 

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Tonight

Tonight my heart aches,

My love is falling from my eyes.

With every tear,I promise myself,

I’ll shut myself to all your lies.

 

Today I’ll let go of the strings,

With silence and in tears,

Your heart will ache too, oh I know

Boy, it’ll hurt you for some years.

 

But don’t despair you foolish child,

For the world will only hear.

Stories of my insecurity, envy, arrogance,

And you’ll remain safe in your lies, my dear.

24.

When I saw him, I was the protagonist from the Emily Brontë novel, breathtaken by ‘his looks, and all his actions and him entirely and all together’. As I stared at him, unable to blink, or breathe, or let my heart beat, it was clear to me, that the center of the world was not a place, but a person.

The concept of time faded from my memory. Time for me, like moist sand in an hourglass, had frozen.

However, for everyone and everything else, the cursed thing continued moving.

I had been granted twenty four hours to live all the moments I had lost to eleven thousand kilometers of distance. Twenty four hours to laugh, giggle, blush. Twenty four hours to create memories to help me survive the uncertain future that lay in store for us.

Just those twenty four hours.

Five

Tonight, I tell my 2AM friends,

A tale I wish never comes to an end.

About a connection I wish never bends,

A style never losing trend.

 

They hear me pray,

I’ll conquer tonight with love in my eyes

Tonight’s high note, A Hope, I say.

Tonight, beats faster this silly heart,

Five days until we are no longer apart.

Tonight, I dream of us with open eyes,

Drowning in each other under the starry skies.

 

I time travel five days tonight, to a night,

When you passionately clutch, I blush.

Tonight, to a night,

When I am in your arms,

Falling further in love with your every touch.

Expectations

Forgive me father, for I have sinned,

For a second or two, I went with the wind.

Thinking that you were proud of me.

But now there’s an otherwise, now I want to flee.

Free from the shame, away from the guilt,

Of discontinuing to be the ‘perfect child’ you built.

With bricks of love, support and care.

I’m sorry for filling you with despair.

However, my apologies are in vain.

Because you compare, time and again.

You look away, you fail to see.

You shut your ears to my plea.

You do not wish to hear,

The problems I face, the pain I bear.

When despite my hard work, I always fall.

When life stops taking my side at all.

Now here I am, amidst this storm,

of expectations to follow the ‘scholar’ norm.

Tell me, can your ‘scholars’ do this,

Use words as bullets and never miss?

Bedroom

I could not hold the feeling of my heart breaking any longer.

As soon as the door was slammed shut, in a disheveled heap, I collapsed to the floor. Despair coursed through my blood and pain escaped my eyes as a stream of tears.
The lack of intimacy in this bedroom of ours was significant.The only thing that remained, was the torturous silence and the smell of his Perfume that was still stuck in the air, acting as a continuous reminder of him and also of the various times I had sprayed it on my pillow, then held the pillow to my heart aching in his absence.
It brought back to me all those mornings- when we lay beneath the sheets on the queen sized mattress with his head buried in my neck and my fingers in his dark, messy hair- wondering when we both would have the courage to leave the company of the bed and of one another and begin our day.

That fragrance of Davidoff reminded me of the nights when we would be intoxicated not on alcohol, but each other and make love till it was night no longer.

 

A wailing mess, I sat there, as time stood still and I waited until that fragrant mist disappeared into nothingness and took with it all my memories of him.

My Love 

“Come to bed, my love”  

With the shards of my broken heart in my palm, I silently climbed into the bed and turned the lights off before he saw my heart bleed onto the mattress. 
As I lay in the pool of pain, I wondered if I could call it our bed any longer. I wondered if he had called her ‘my love’ as well. I wondered if he loved her. 

Today, five years after our union, I wondered if he had ever loved me.
“Do you love me?” 

The words left my mouth before I realised. There was nervous silence in the air before he countered my question with another question.

“Do you feel I don’t?” 
My mind was an empty courtroom for a second, before the audience walked in and started in my mind a proceeding, Prosecution against the Defence and I was on the Judge on a Throne of Thorns.

One side pressed on the other, compelling me take a decision in its favour, cuff the culprit and tell him I knew that I wasn’t the only one who had fulfilled his fantasies.

Meanwhile, the Defence talked of mistakes and about forgiveness being the way to a clean soul. It talked about my children, having to grow up without the shadow of a father above their heads. 

“Honey? Tell me what you’re thinking” His voice bought me out of the courtroom, back to the cold bed.

The Judgement had to be passed here, and now.

Calmly, I replied.

“I was just thinking about your friend Sreyasi and also, about getting a divorce, my love” 

Choices

The books had started to wonder just when I would pay attention to them, when I would flip the lonesome pages, stare closely at them or try to listen to what they had to tell me.

But I was occupied, cherishing the company of memories and tears.

I missed wrapping my arms around my father and poking his belly, not that there was much left of it anymore, thanks to the strict workout regime he had been compelled by my mother to follow.I missed everything about him.

Yes, mom was being missed too, despite the fact that we had had a hearty thirty minute conversation about our lives without each other’s presence, not too long ago. She had told me of her day and I had given her great details about mine, and of the man I intended to spend my years with.

And him? Oh, he was the charming Prince to my Cinderella. Perfect, absolutely.

I added him to the ‘Being Missed’ list immediately, right after my grandmother and my mischevious little brother, who was not little anymore. 

He was a man now.It made me feel old.I giggled and more tears made their way out of my eyes.

Choices.

Look at what they had done. 

Everyone I loved, was miles away and suddenly, there was nothing I could do about it.

Everything 

I knew I needed you, 

but I never showed.

But I want to stay with you, 

Until we’re grey and old” 


James Arthur’s voice seeped into my soul and started to etch on it once again, the name of the man who sat on my right. 

I looked as I sat on the passenger seat, at the man who was everything I had wanted, since I was in my teenage years, still wishing on falling stars.

He was everything my parents wanted for their little darling, and he was so much more.

My eyes felt glued to his face, while he concentrated on his mission to drop me to the New Delhi Railway Station before my train to Mumbai departed. The Hyundai glided on the National Highway, and he, straight into my heart.

He was calm like a summer night.An ambition to succeed ran through his veins.He had the ability to drown me in his oceans of affection.

He was beautiful, in every sense and I was floating like a helpless leaf in smooth course of his love.

Sunno?” 

“Yeah?” he said as his eyes shifted from the road to me.

“Say you won’t let go” I quoted James.

“Never”

 


Relax

img_2065January 26th 2016.
The day on which I celebrated my twentieth birthday in the beautiful town of Kasauli, two hours from Chandigarh, India. It was the first birthday I celebrated away from my parents, however my best friend’s parents almost filled the void.

And what really made my day, was the company of my friends and a steaming plate of my favorite Masala Maggi Noodles in the constantly dipping temperature in an extremely cold January.

Now, whenever I look at this expression of mine, I’m reminded of how seven very special people had made that day probably the most amazing day of 2016 and in my hectic life, this picture gives me a reason to Relax.